ok. im writing this because im doing terribly again and i need to say words because i have no one to say them to anymore. the writers i wrote to dont write back to me. i feel they hate me. i am going to journal everyday again because i stopped in 2022 after nahomy broke up with me. i need to do this again badly. i am Samantha (18 at the time of writing) and im a transgender woman diagnosed with anxiety disorders, gender dysphoria, schizoaffective disorder, and bipolar. i am a super intelligent person with the skill to make anyone laugh, and yet people still hate me. i am an unlikeable person i think. lots of people dont like the way i do things. they just harshly. i think i upset them with my words. i have lots of people to talk to about good things but are they my friend? they will leave if i say a bad things on accident even though i cant control it. i see things they dont see, i hear things they dont hear, and i understand deeper than they do mostly, and its very upsetting that i cant have anyone to express frustrations to. i know im crazy but i just want help. i quit therapy because my therapist is bad and im sick of taking 20 pills a day. i take the estrogen and spiro and progestan and the clozapine when im normal, but it gets hard. ive been slipping a lot. today i got mad at myself in the morning for feeling sick. i haven't been eating much and i feel sick every time i do. i was very frustrated. i just want to eat. i want to get better. its hard. i think i have an eating disorder, but i hate self diagnosers. they are disgusting. but i really feel like i do have some sort of ed. i try to eat but i get full after half a meal and sick if i force myself to eat more. i only eat 1 or 2 meals a day. this started because of psychosis and depressive episodes lining up at the same time. i didn't eat anything. i went to japan and didn't eat. i cant eat anymore now. its very upsetting. i want to start a website to post this on. i want people to know i existed. as much as i never want to wake up again, the feeling that no one will remember me haunts me. ive been slipping again. i feel the confusing setting in. its like i dont know whats happening around me. i dont understand much at all. i play counter strike and things happen and i forget. my brain travels 90 places at once and i cant understand it. i cant follow conversations well. i forget what we are talking about. my discord friends dont see it but i can. my irl friend cant see it but i can. i dont want the hallucinations to get worse. my last episode i went to the hospital because i kept scratching bugs off of myself that werent there. i hate bugs. especially millipedes. they are disgusting. how can someone have that many legs and no blood? theyre unfortunate that they dont have blood. i dont want to go to the hospital again. i cried this morning a lot. i have work today and all i wanna do is cut and bleed on my customers. i want to scare them. they misgender me and it hurts. "thank you sir" "you have beautiful hair sir". i wear makeup and i have boobs. i am skinny and frail. i have a face that looks like a man. it betrays me. i end up looking disgusting. i try my best to take care of myself but its hard. i cant focus. i want help.