today was shockingly good. i had a really rough start to my day. i hate myself for not being able to eat a lot and it made me cry for hours. it didnt help that i was having really bad stomach aches all the morning. i looked in the mirror and i was horrifying. i could see my skeleton. i want help. i dont know how i slipped this far. i never used to be this way. i used to be a good kid, now im a wreck. i said that to my friend who helped me today. i messaged her upset. and we talked. she told me that the past doesnt matter and all that matters is that i want to get back to where i was. i want to be like what i was pre sophomore year of highschool, before the drug use. she helped me understand that i could do that. she told me it was a good idea that i try to eat more smaller meals more times a day. 6 half portion meals. or i should try liquidy foods like soup and yogurt to help me until i get to the point where i can eat full meals again. i am convinced its both a mix of stress from my mental condition at the moment (i am losing my shit!) and also starting new medications. i dont know how i got this bad. either way, i went downstairs to make soup but we didnt have soup so i asked my parents (yes i still live with my parents im trying to move out pls be nice) but i got really emotional and starting crying again. i told them how i want to get better and i want to eat again. i want to start eating soup to try. so she said she can go to the store for me and get some. i ate a cream of chicken soup before work and it was extremely tasty. i was very happy after that. i felt very good. i also watched the world cup (congrats spain!) and that helped. then i went to work and they coincidentally made ramyeon. thats like korean instant noodles but theyre spicy. and its a soup! so i ate a bowl of that too and it was very tasty. work was light. 31 customers and 9 tables. only got misgendered once but she was a bitch so i just ignored her cuz i dont listen to maga fucks. grok vs maga is a funny instagram account. anyways, i got home and ate another bowl of soup. so 3 meals. well, ig it was 2 since i only ate half the bowl of cream of chicken and half a bowl of ramyeon. but either way, it was a good day for eating. i felt like i ate better. i think i will continue on this journey so at least i can help my eating. as for the emotions, i dont know what to do about that. it is becoming very upsetting that i cant have a day without crying. i hurt myself a lot last night because of it. i had to hide my arms at work. i dont think anyone saw thankfully. the last time they did they said hurtful words and made it worse. they dont understand. they dont know what i go through. it feels like no one does. they dont understand the fear and the pain. ava does i guess. but the rest dont. shes been through similar situations. so she understands. i am thankful for her. i cant wait to see her again. i want to continue learning html. isaac has encouraged me to try more. its cool that hes been helping me with it. hes been really supportive. i am grateful for my friends. they keep my alive more than im able to keep myself alive haha. signing off. have cs to play. goodnight.