today i felt like i was going to die. i have had such a difficult time keeping myself together. i cried for hours today for no reason. i havent eaten much. i found out ive only been eating like 400 calories a day. that feels like shit. im not able to get my nutrients. im not able to take care of myself. i need to talk to my doctor but they dont have a meeting. the bugs are here too. i wasnt able to type because of them. they were all over my desk. thankfully they moved today but it was scary to even go near my desk. the doorbell frightens me. doorbell and hard knocking. i needed to look out the window. i was so scared. i really hate feeling this way. i want to get better but i feel like im just not able to. i keep messaging my friends about my problems because of the anxiety and paranoia. i feel like im dying. i am annoying them. they dont want to hear me complain. but idk what else to do. im just a young girl and idk whats going on with my body. i feel like my body is falling apart and im going to die but i dont know. i want to blow up. it feels miserable. its hot. im sweaty. i want to shower but the shower makes my hair feel disgusting on my neck when its wet. i always feel sweaty after a shower, never clean. its disgusting. i hate it. i want to feel okay. i want to shower. i want to do all of these things yet i cant bring myself to do it. i am small. my friends arent my friends. i dont think i have friends. they hate me so much. i dont know what to do. i am trying to express urgency. i feel like i need to get better now but idk how to. idk how to take care of myself. i want to eat so bad. i want to care for myself. i want to be normal. at least my package arrived. thats good.