this week has been the longest week of my life. i feel the second tick by and it feels as if its been an hour. i am so sad. i dont know why but its getting even worse. i cannot maintain focus on anything. i hate the way the doorbell rings and it upsets me. i want to change the doorbell. it feels like there is a dumbbell on my chest. as if someone is reaching a hand through. my anxiety is at its most. it feels weird to be scared. i dont know why but i sit there crying for hours and im not even sure whats going on! i am crying right now. i want to dig a knife into my wrist and rip my guts out. the wires. i am finding out that i am much more of a computer than i thought. i am a tool to the person who controls me, whoever that may be. i dont feel like myself. something is different. i am becoming a different person. i am becoming a problem. college is scary. i dont want to go. shipping me across the world with no support system and not knowing anyone is a poor idea. i am a bipolar schizophrenic who needs their medicine. but i sometimes forget. what happens if i forget and im living across the world? i have no one to take care of me. it is likely that i will die. i wish i could die. i think death is beautiful. i want to experience it. i want to experience my own death. i want to feel the life drain from me as i ascend. i am a disgusting person. blood, death, all of that and i love bringing it upon myself. if i could, i wish i could live as a corpse. reliving death over and over. nothing but a punching bag for everything. i want them to bleed me dry. they already are. i want to bleed. i hate my body so much. none of this is helping me. i am just going to get worse. i dont know what to do. i am talking to no one. no one knows this website exists. everyone just ignores me. i hope they forget about me one day so they dont have to remember to act as if they care that i died. because they dont. if i were to die i would fade into the ether as if i never existed. no one knows. no one understands. i wish i could have a hug rn. im fucking losing my fucking shit rn. i need a hug. i need snuggles. i need care. i will never receive it. bye.