the day today was okay. i had work but the people were nice. isnt it a conundrum how the day i wear absolutely no makeup because i had a panic attack in the shower again this morning is the day that people are actually nicer to me and tip me better? being a waitress is a shit job. my anxiety was really bad this morning but i dont remember why. all i remember is that my stomach hurt a lot because i hadnt eaten in a whole day, and i was crying a lot. it hurt so bad i cried more on the stairs after i stopped crying. i think im scared to be alone. since no one knows i exist, it is difficult. i dont like people yet i need them to stay alive. sometimes i wish everyone was dead, and yet i crave any amount of attention from my friends. i hope they know i care about them. id do anything for my friends. my coworker is my newest friend. she is like a second mom to me if my mom was a short hispanic lady. shes very caring. i was crying at work once and she took it upon herself to come to me, give me a hug, say that she loves me, and comfort me. i didnt even ask her to do it. shes just an amazing person. i am very grateful for her. anyways, id do anything for my friends. i just want people to be happy. that is really all i care about. i like to make people laugh and smile. i can be happy with myself when people are smiling. that is why it is difficult to be alone i think. i crave their happiness. like i feed off of it. at work today i had to tell them i wouldnt be there because ill be in st louis in a month. they handled it well, but i was very scared. there are lots of double standards that go against me. my coworkers can take off whatever days they want, but i cant? thankfully they were okay, but it was still scary. i was afraid id get yelled at like i was when i had work in wisconsin. which is stupid because its literally my main job. whatever. all was well today thankfully. it started really really really bad but it ended decently. i must eat